A New Beginning?
by bobdabuilder0804
Summary: A year to the day, after Terri's death. Jack struggles to come to terms with whats happend. Happy aniversary. COMPLETE


A New Beginning?

Jack slumped down heavily, deeper into the dark couch, a heavy cloud of dust forming before him as he did so. He rubbed at his eyes before glancing sideways at the small clock on the cabinet in the living room, it was seven in the morning. He quickly did the math and realised he had been sat in the same spot for over four hours. He had laid in the empty bed for hours until he tired of staring at the same spot on his ceiling. He couldn't sleep, he never slept. But last night had been different. His mind didn't restrain him from sleep in the usual mind numbing way it did. Instead, it was with visions and images of his wife and other horrific things. It had been three years to the day, since the death of his team, and the failure of his mission in Kosovo. More importantly, it was approximately one year since the day the Drazens planned their revenge, the day his entire world crumbled at his touch. 

He exhaled deeply as he thought of her, deep down he knew was torturing himself with his thoughts. But who was he referring to when using the noun 'her', he questioned? He thought about this for a minute as he grimaced with grief, quickly pushing the thought of that monster into the little box he had made for her in his mind. He had decided a while ago that she could only visit when he took the lid off and let her out. Today was not the day to let her wonder around his mind. He had never noticed how he always referred to her as 'the monster,' her never thought of her as Nina, and nobody ever mentioned the name in his presence. They had all been too scared of how he would react; his mental state had deteriorated over the year since that day; and it was no secret to anyone, except maybe Jack. 

He roughly brushed his hands through his dirty blonde hair, pushing it out of place. He didn't know what to do, he didn't know what to think. He couldn't move, he was overcome with his grief. 'If onlys' and 'what ifs' bombarded him once more, pushing him closer and closer to the edge. He knew he should be in a box in the ground, and she should be sat here now, thinking about him. He realised he couldn't get through this, as he was struck with his overpowering sense of guilt. He would have cried but their were no tears left. If God ever awarded him with any sleep throughout the endless nights he would awake with the salty things streaming down his face, dampening his pillow. 

Using all of the energy he had, he pulled himself to his feet. He quickly looked himself over, and saw he was still wearing yesterdays clothes. A pair of black knee length shorts and a plaint white v-neck t-shirt, which was now creased and crumpled everywhere. He took a second to try and brush the creases out before he asked himself, 'why bother?' He walked across to the kitchen barefoot, the pine flooring cold to his touch. He walked slowly and shakily, as though his legs might give out and collapse beneath him. He made it to the kitchen without sneaking a glance at the dozens of photos that littered the room due to Terri's fondness of them. He had never had the heart to take them down, or the will. They were reminders to him of what things were like before, how they could still be if it wasn't for him, and just how much he had lost. 

He reached an arm out to the counter to steady himself as he rounded it before looking in one of the cupboards. He saw what he wanted instantly, and pulled out a full bottle of Scotch. He had held of drinking it for the past few days since he bought it; somehow he knew he would need it today. He would need something to help him get through the day, and he knew there would be nobody there for him, so this was the next best thing, he thought. He unscrewed the cap and walked back over to the couch, but before he sat down he had a thought and began to look through a few of the draws in the room. He gave a dry chuckle as he realised how he didn't have a clue where they kept the photo albums in his own home. It was sad really, and a little hint at how withdrawn he had been from his home life. He still hadn't found one, and began to wonder if they even had one, their were enough framed photos around the house to make up for one. Just before he ended his search he found a pink box that stopped him in his tracks. 

The white letters were made from wood and spelled out 'mom.' Jack picked it up and pulled it across to the couch where he retook his place. He set the box down next to him and just watched it in silence, only breaking eye contact to grab the glass bottle. He knew Kim had made her it for a mothers day gift. She had only been young, and he had helped her. He smiled as he thought of how pleased she was with herself, when she saw the look on Terri's face as she opened the gift. They both looked so beautiful, and happy, he remembered. He smiled again, bitterly this time, as he realised he would never see any of these emotions from either of them again. 

He lifted the bottle to his mouth and took a deep swig. He shuddered slightly as the liquid burnt a path down his throat as he swallowed. It was just what he needed, he thought. He cradled the bottle as he thought of Kim. He wondered where she was, what she was doing. He had only seen her a few times since that day, after he had been released from the hospital. He remembered walking in through the door and seeing her. His heart almost gave out at the dirty look she gave him, before speaking coldly. "I'm moving out. Aunt Carol says I can stay their for a while. Were going to arrange the funeral ourselves.... I'll call you when we get a time and place." That had been it, and she had walked away from him, never looking back. 

The funeral had been worse, he remembered. It was two days after Kim's departure, and he informed of the details through a voice mail message; it was clear to Jack she didn't want anything to do with him, and would probably be happier if he didn't show up. He was angry by the way she was treating him, but more angry at himself, it was his fault she was treating him the way she was. 

He remembered how he had driven all the way to where the funeral was being held, drinking half a bottle of Scotch throughout the journey, in hopes of calming himself. The church was a Catholic one, as was Terri, and was made of old stone which included beautiful architecture, and huge stained glass windows. Jack had arrived a few minutes into the ceremony, slipping inside unnoticed, setting himself down on a wooden pew at the back, so as not to draw attention to himself. 

However, his crumpled shirt, minus a tie or blazer, along with the red bloodshot eyes and stench of alcohol, told the people near him all they needed to know. That this person too, like themselves, was having a hard time accepting Terri's fate. 

The ceremony was short but nice, just like Terri would had wanted. Carol got up to speak about her briefly, as did her mother. He wasn't paying much attention to what they were saying, all he really noticed was that their was no mention of him, which made him feel like he was somehow trespassing. But all his attention was paid to Kim. She was sat on the front pew dressed in black, holding her Granddads hand the entire time. Not once did she glance around expecting her father to show up; or more importantly, not once did she look round, hoping to see her father. 

The opening ceremony had ended, and everyone had filtered outside, the service would proceed outside, with the lowering of the coffin. Jack had stayed in the church, nobody had noticed him as they left, and he was alone in no time. He had stayed where he was, and squeezed his eyes shut. He prayed, no, pleaded more like, with her God to bring her back. "Make us trade places,' he whispered under his breath, hoping it would be so. He didn't deserve to be breathing the air, and he knew he no longer belonged in this world. 

He had sat in silence in the church for over an hour. After the funeral was over the priest had come back inside and saw him. He silently went into the back, to let the man grieve alone. Jack stayed where he was with his eyes squeezed shut as he continued to apologise to his wife and plead with God. Eventually he came out of his trance, and realised he was still in this life, and his wife was still in another, the Lord hadn't answered his prayers. 

He went outside to see her grave, after much persuasion from his guilty conscience. The tombstone was authentic and modern at the same time, and described her perfectly. Jack watched it for a moment, before crouching down before it, placing a hand on the top to steady himself. 'I'm sorry, you shouldn't have to suffer for my sins. I'll never forgive myself.' He whispered the words shakily, but fought back the tears; he would not cry. 

Jack remembered how he had then walked to his car, which was parked down the road. As he approached it he saw a figure stood by it, waiting. After a few more steps closer he realised who it was, Jordan. The youngest of Terri's three older brothers. Jack pulled out his car keys as he walked up to him. 

"I'm surprised you had the cheek to show up here Jack." Jordan said strongly, but it was clear to Jack he was hurting inside. 

"I'm sorry..." Was all Jack could think to say, which angered Jordan. 

"Your sorry, your sorry! How about Terri! Huh, how about her, I bet she's pretty sorry too, sorry you screwed up so badly, sorry she ever stayed with you in the first place! Its your fault she's lying in that grave!" He snarled filled with rage, which was directed at Jack. 

"I didn't mean for this to happen...." Jack said weakly, Jordan's words were hurting him, they were proving that what he had been thinking was true. Jordan grabbed Jacks shirt and shoved him hard against the car. 

"If I ever see your face here again, I'll make sure your sorry, as will Harry and Ben. And I swear to God, what we will do to you will not be some, some accident!" He threatened. 

Jack just stared at him, he didn't care what Terri's brothers would do to him, he knew he deserved anything he got.   
  
"Your lucky, you know! Ben was going to get some boys together to pay you a visit, but I stopped them. You better stay away, or I'll be the least of your worries. Stay the hell away from my family, and stay away from Kim. You've caused her enough damage!" With that he had let go of Jacks shirt and stormed off, fuming. 

Jack stayed where he was, thinking about Jordan. He was a good person, but had learnt earlier in life when he first started seeing Terri., that his brothers weren't so nice. Secretly he wished they would all just put him out of his misery; they were right after all, he hadn't only killed his wife, he'd killed his daughter too. 

Jack shook himself, to stop him from thinking about the funeral. It had been hard enough to live it, their was no point in revisiting it again. He looked down and noticed that he had already drank half of the Scotch. It scared him slightly, as it wasn't really effecting him. 'Maybe, after today, ' should cut out some of the drink,' he thought. 

It was the ringing of the phone that snapped him out of his haze. He looked over at it, debating whether he should answer it or not. It was probably going to be some old colleague calling to see how Jack was doing. He didn't feel like talking, but something made him answer it anyway. 

"Hello?" He answered, it was no more 'Bauer.' He was nobody anymore. 

"Dad, its Kim." The voice on the end was hesitant, but as she spoke he instantly recognised it and felt his heart jump for joy and crack with pain at the same time. 

"Hi sweetheart... how are you?" He asked. He didn't know what to say. It wasn't very often she called, and he didn't want to say the wrong thing and upset her. 

"I just called.... because..... well you know..." She trailed off, obviously having as hard as a time as Jack was. 

"I know sweetie, I'm sorry... if it wasn't for me you wouldn't be making this awkward call right now..." He said, unable to find the words to express his real feelings; they were buried down too deep to find. 

"Yeah....." She paused, trying to think of something to say. She had also inherited her Dads ability to hide her emotions. "You doing okay?" She asked, hopeful. 

Jack tried not to let out a laugh, if only she knew how he was really doing, he thought, well, in reality, she probably wouldn't care. "I'm good... how are you?" 

"I'm okay, Jordan's got me a really good job working with his firm..." 

"That's great sweetheart." He didn't really know what to say. 

"Are you back at work?" She asked, dreading the answer, of course he would be, she thought. C.T.U. was after all, more important than anything else, even her. 

"Erm... no, I haven't been back since....." He drowned off not wanting to say what he almost did, it would hurt too much to speak of it aloud. 

Kim had noticed the regret in his voice as he thought about C.T.U, maybe he had changed after all, she wondered. "Oh.... well I had better get going ....bye."   
  
"Bye honey." With that she was gone. 

Jack cradled the phone for a moment before replacing it back into its place. He sighed and picked up the bottle again, taking a few sips. He had wanted to talk to Kim in a while, but never would had thought it would have been so hard to speak to his own daughter. 

He slumped back down into the sofa, confused as to what to do. What he really wanted to do was see Kim, and what he wanted to do more than anything, was see Terri, one last time. He got up and decided what he was going to do. After a quick shower, and a change of clothes, he was ready to go. He pulled an old sports jacket over his shoulders before he left, it was going to be a long journey. 

He got into his black S.U.V, without bothering to lock his house door, he was in a rush to see her. Throwing the few things he had taken from the apartment onto the passenger side seat he stuck the key in its ignition and sped off. As he drove he glanced occasionally at the contents he had brought with him, and grabbed what was left of his bottle from the seat. Driving one handed at a deadly speed down the motorway he opened the lid and began to drink. 

After a few hours on the road, he began to recognise the streets, he was almost their. He had now drank the entire bottle of Scotch, and it had really hit him. He decided to pull over and walk the rest of the way. He got out of the vehicle, talking with him the things he had earlier removed from his house. A framed photograph of Terri, himself and Kim before the entire ordeal, his wallet, and his gun. 

He drew his coat around him as the cool breeze blew, although he mainly did this to conceal his weapon. In a strict neighbourhood like this they would throw a frenzy if they saw he had a gun. He walked down the paved paths watching his feet, concentrating on keeping one foot moving in front of the other. He walked through the central part of the town, and noticed an off-license. After a little hesitation he decided to go in, and he bought a bottle of Whiskey, for a bit of variation. The shop assistant tutted at him as he paid, she could easily tell he was already in a bad state, but served him anyway. 

Jack left the shop and began tracking towards his destination. As he walked he thought of Terri, of all of the happy memories he had of her. He thought of their wedding day, at a small register office, then their honeymoon together, they didn't have much but they were so happy. As he thought of her he realised he was crying, tears were streaming down his face. He decided he had better open the Whiskey - he needed to be strong. 

Soon enough he found himself exactly where he wanted to be. He stumbled over the muddy wet grass, and found her plot. He stood in silence for a moment, thinking about what he was going to say to her until finally, he decided, no words were needed, he could never express the pain, the guilt and the sorrow he felt in words, it was impossible. He threw his second empty bottle away, and realised how sick he felt. Was it from the drink, or just cowardice with fear? 

He took the photograph out and kissed Kim, before slowly removing his gun. He cocked it with a shaky hand, and realised that he was again crying. He looked at the grave as he raised the gun, still clutching the photograph in his other hand, and finally spoke. 

"You know I let you down.... not just by putting you here, but everything. I tried to move on, but I can't.... I'm not even strong enough to get on with my life," he sobbed, his head hung low in shame at what he was confessing. "You were the strong one.... I never deserved you.... I only hope you can forgive me.... Terri, I have to see you, I can't bear being away from you, I need you." 

As he stammered his words he fell to his knees. He looked at the grave one last time, his mind filled with images of her and Kim. He closed his eyes and continued to sob uncontrollably. Finally, taking a deep breath, he pulled the trigger. After a few seconds his lifeless body slumped forwards onto her grave, his blood splattering onto her tombstone, his hand still clutching the photograph. 

Although it seemed like it was his end, he had known it was really the beginning. 

_Please review, be honest too, as I know the ending was crappy! Thanks!!_


End file.
